In order to move forward and get better. You have to be willing to own the areas of yourself that need to be fixed. So, I’m starting this out by admitting, “I’m broken”.
I’m “broken”, and at times this causes me to lash out at the people I love. Especially, in times of high emotional pressure. This isn’t a new discovery, this is just my new way of dealing with it. I’m going to stand in it,versus trying to act like it doesn’t exist.
By standing in it, I know I can heal from it. But, before I can heal from it. I need to deal with its root. The seed took root when my father died.
His death was so sudden, it shook me to my core. I felt overwhelmed by grief. But, instead of taking the time to grieve. I moved full speed into being a caregiver to my mom. I decided that she needed to be my focus, and I compartmentalized my pain.
I became an emotional bag lady, and I was definitely carrying too many “bags”. Caregivers can understand this feeling. You are trying to please everyone so much, that pieces of you get packed away until you can’t deal anymore. Until you explode, and leave a trail of tears and painful words all over the place.
Then, all you’re left with is guilt. You berate yourself for letting things get this way. You know the tricks and traps that lead can you to that ugly moment. But, you still fall down the “rabbit hole” anyway.
I fell down the “rabbit hole” this morning. My Mom & I had a fight that would rival any world class boxing match. It was ugly, and I hope we can move forward from it. But, in every mess there is a lesson learned.
I learned that even though I’ve made a lot of progress, I’m still “broken”. I still have grieving and healing to do; and I have to make time for me to do that.
As caregivers, we give our all to the ones we love. But, we have to save something for ourselves. We also can’t feel guilty for doing that. We have to stand in our authority. We have to make decisions for the good of the whole, not the one. That’s not going to always be well received. But, that’s ok. As long as we did it from a place of love and understanding, everything will be alright.
I learned that my Mom is in pain. She is still grieving the loss of her soul mate, her “vision”, and independence. She’s now in a battle to not allow her feelings of helplessness to overtake her. I think she’s questioning, who’s winning.
We are all facing battles. No one is excluded from challenging circumstances. We just have to know how to win. It’s not about the fight. It’s about standing in the battle with the conviction that you can, and will do better. I’m allowing my transparency of my truth to heal and strengthen me. So, I can win the battle for myself & my family.
Stay strong and stand firm. Until we meet again!